retelling the story

this is the happiest moment of your life
you are so very happy
so very fucking happy

i am afraid
afraid that you are reading this and not telling me
i am afraid you have found me out
found me under this pile of rubble i have named my soul
my heart in pieces like a collapsed building
the structure buckling under the pressure
pressurized hate in the form of soft words
i will build a kingdom of letters
and an army of sentences with no punctuation

i am stripping my clothing off
i am doing it slowly
seductively
sliding silk down my skin like a waterfall
scent curls around me softly
lifts me to my own hands
running down the length of my legs
kneading the flesh under my fingertips
slipping into another space
a different place in the world of my mind
i drift
and i do not come up for air

you are just so happy
the smile is cutting your face in half
cutting across your vision
she's everything you ever dreamed of
so young
so nubile
so lithe
so thin
such perky tits
such sexual energy
such a game you play

i darken your day with my passing
i am a rain cloud
heavy
a lightening strike smoldering in the ground
a crater to inevitability
to discomfort
i am not thin
my breasts sag with the weight of age
they sway in a mesmerizing hypothesis of damaged reality
my stomach is round with a life lived rather than a life denied
the scars that dance across the pale expanse of my epidermis
whirl like spinning dervishes of pain and story

here!
this is where my leg run afool of a large rock in the swimming hole
this is where my cat dug his claws into my arm in a moment of fear
this is where pain took me over and i sliced away at myself
trying to find the truth
trying to find the exit
look here!
this is where i split open and the entire universe fell out
i am a mother in the stars with no children
i birth only ideas
ideas and eroticism that has grown useless in the intervening years
i am breathing stardust
coughing on emotional warfare
and throwing it back up
the river flows out of me in a wave of blood
and falls back down to earth
i have crept forward and stood in the light

i manage this every few years
every few years i manage this resurrection
every few years the feelings reemerge
i feel for you again
i open myself with the tiniest crack
and i let you in
every time i regret it
i regret the light seeping into the back of my eyes
and i regret your words most of all
maybe i am finally finished with you
with all of you

i am living for myself now
i am living for the ecstasy of the Idea
the moment when word forms the Idea
when speech fails but the Idea remains
when the logic of it becomes
the most erotic eruption in this space
these references to other poets
our Ideas existing
just being
being

your happiness means nothing to me now
i eat men like fire
and only the Idea remains
i am the erotic in my own right
and i exist alone
in a world
without
you