The Amazing Disposable Woman

I sit up in my kingdom of sickness
day after day
and look out over the alley way
that leads to somewhere else

I sit here and old conversations
drift through my head
I rarely speak
and when I do my voice cracks

Old promises broken
with the intention of never being kept
nocturnal admissions
never meant to be heard
quiet murmuring echoing
in the chambers of my bedroom
fingers still brushing my skin
shifting over my body
little smiles
and tears clinging to long eyelashes

He said I was too much
took up that doorway
like a storm
emotions rolling off me
like a drowning wave
still naked
still standing there
Jesus was not meant for anything better

He told me he felt like a sexual superhero
like a dark hipster poet god
all the girls loved
when I looked at him that way
I made him feel strength
as he brushed his fingers
over the knife wounds on his chest
and remembered my lips upon him

He whispered how he imagined me
slipping down a road in some tropical country
with hyacinths in my hair
marveled as I walked barefoot
through city streets
danced me to the end of the night
careful to avoid my crystalline ways

He kissed me under a street light
kept his hands on my wide hips
no matter where I went
we woke the neighbors
told me beauty like mine
was hard to swallow
and refused to sleep at my side

He extolled the virtue
of my green eyes
seemingly hypnotized by their wavering colour
like a drowning whirlpool
hiding in some green still lake
told me I was out to pull him under
just the same
cried in  my arms
and asked me to not hate him

how can I not hate
when love has led me to
the most vile
regions of my heart?
how can I not pledge myself
to this emptiness
when emotions
are the poison
my clouded mind
seeks to swallow?
how do I live
in the shadow of another
when he sees my body
as a home
and refuses to see
the cracks in the foundation?
how can I be beautiful
when they spit out my name
and wash me
from their throats?

in here
with no prying eyes
i am perfectly flawed
and my halo
is carefully stowed away
i am Queen
to the dust
and Empress of pain
they will call me wicked
in the fires of falsified love
carry the scars I left on their skin
remember the quickness of my licking tongue
the softness of my thighs

but I will
still be
undone
and never
beautiful
with my wild black hair
and my treacherous green eyes
my villainous snow white skin
and my deceptive softness

my empire is built of trash
and i will
throw myself away
before you ever
get the chance

Suicide Love Note

Who would want me?
I don't even want me.
I'm just waving from the pond
ducking under the water
with stones in my pockets
little drips of cyanide
leaving acid punches
to the inside of my cheeks
deep in love
with the hole
in the backyard
I dug it last year
keep the dog far hence
lest he dig it up again
I planted bone trees
in the bone yards
bleached by the sun
worn by the weather
I'm leaking love
spitting out charm
choking on need
trying to fuck my way
to forgiveness
and failing
and flailing
and tumbling
down the steps
of your indifference
fucking those pretty whores
in their pretty faces
I don't wanna
know anything anymore
why do I have to put up
with your guilt?
I did nothing
to deserve it
and I lack it entirely
I've got a note for you
I wrote it on my flesh
in the form of black eyes
and fucked up
reasonable decisions
Love is the lie they tell
to you
when they want
your legs to open up
and your cunt to spill out
I fucked the world
looking for you
and you would rather
kill your heart
than let me know you
I found the reason to die
and it was in your eyes
the whole fucking time

The Cliffs at Devil's Head

I can see the lie
glistening on the edge
of your lips
you are about to let it
drip down on my head
three little words
to see if you can work
your fingers
into my demonic underwear

your tongue forces it
past my teeth
searches for the back
of my throat
testing if I have any
gag reflex left
caressing my chin
lacing your fingers
in my hair
to pull my head back

your mouth
travels lower
and slower
tongue on tightening nipple
hands clenched
into white mounds of flesh
I feel the lie
seep into my skin
and wish only for
love and sex

I am the shore
you wreck your ship upon
the beach you storm
the castle walls your breach
the fire you douse
the tree you pull down
the door you kick open
and the legs your pry apart

I've got the Devil whispering in my ear
offering me little peices of candy
on long tethers
dangling over cliffs
I pluck at your chest
like strings on a cello
trying to pull at your heart
I hold you to me
fearful of what you will say
I tip over the edge
and feel the air
rush past my ears

if you let me go
I will fall
and never stop
but falling never bothered me
it's only those sudden stops
at the end
that worry me so

I Lost My Page

I feel pressed
flattened
like flowers between
the pages
of a heavy book
on your dusty shelf

you press me down
perserve me
your weight on top of me
smoothing me out
holding me here
as I try to float
out the door

you collapse on me
you feel me worming
squirming
pushing to that grey edge
pushing myself nearly over
twisted like leaves
caught in an updraft

you flatten my world
your eyes
pin me to these pages
to these sheets
my fluids on your fingers
I am drying up
my soul blows no more

I am pinned
our hair twisted
I buried my heart
beside my wounded knees
you watched on
and hated me

I won't stop loving you
even when you toss the book out
when you tear up the petals
when you spit my name out in a curse
I will love you
and flatten myself agianst the wall
to hide nameless evermore

Maybe the Beast is Me

such big lies
slipping out of such a small mouth
I might hate myself
but don't we all
last time I looked
I'm pretty sure I saw you
scarring your face
trying to obscure
your beauty
so the world would see
you as ugly as I am
my ugliness comes
from what they did to me
on those swings
in the gravel pit
by the teeter totters
over by the jungle gym
all the names
ground into my skin
like nut shells
and broken clay pots
I am buried
in an archeological dig
of my own making
my fractured stupid past
the dinosaur bones
of flapping dicks
and fear making me run
that dog near my side
they cut my hair
so long it brushed my ass
they ruined it
cut it all off
in a moment of easy cruelty
I bled tears
valued my ugliness
hid myself
cringed when anyone
reached out to touch me
I can't stop cringing
even now
she said
you deserve someone
who wants to be with you
I cried
bitter ugly tears
made ugliness my armour
twisted snarled lips
howling angry at the moon
cursing the father who led me here
the ruin that made
lampshades of my skin
that made me
crawl on the ground
licking rocks
and bashing my knees
on your stairs
maybe the beast is me
maybe I can't see
beyond these red scars
maybe you should slay me
drive your words right down into my chest
make me choke on your obscured eyes
claim that beast
fuck her all up
tear her tongue out
nail it to your wall
I can speak no lies
I can speak not
Your beauty has killed me
and I am buried in the remains
of my childhood

What's Wrong With You Now?

my fingers are aching
all in the joints
tell me what's wrong with me
it hurts all the time now

"it's all your head, silly girl"

flows of pain
down the body
I almost fall in the hall
when my muscles give out

just all in my head

maybe it will spill out my head
drown you in a wave
of what it's like to be me

prickly skin
for days now
weakness and tremors
prickly prickle prickle

I can't get out of this bed
it's in my head
if I could just make it stop
quivering on the edge of sickness

tick tick tick
make a decision
make something happen
do it now

I'm not always capable
but I try
I'm just not that good at it

Ink (Nephthys)

I can't see the stars here
it drives me fucking mad
that flat black sky
only the moon hanging
her beautiful face obscured
suspended in an empty sickly orange glow
the sun coming too fucking early
like a useless lover
with a useless cock

I need the cover of darkness
to get up to my nefarious deeds
I need to slip between shadows
to feel normal
I miss that blanket of stars
whispering my name
and drawing me out into the empty streets

I hate the morning
it's flushed and pinked skin
winking through the blackout curtians
sneaking in around the edges
trying to rouse me
trying to stir me
trying to ruin me
in the light of day

my neighbors little morning noises
creeping through the walls
the garbage truck waking me with a shock
as it slams the dumpster up into the air
the construction workers across the street
and their fucking saws and hammers
which I threaten to shove up their asses
to no one in particular

how I miss the silence of the night
the clockwork of the world turned still
a million little busy hands
finally stopped
this city groggily asleep
and me slinking about
feeling almost right in all her dark quiet
all her darkness
slipping down my skin
curling about my hair
lighting upon my lips

I am beautiful in the night
straight claimed by her icy fingers
I run wild while you sleep
I've seen the parks too dark
the trees huge and looming masses
the world all the same blackened colour
building become shapes and lose their grandeur
the world no longer finite in the glaring dawn
but black and endless stretching to the heavens
to the dead star light
a million miles away

I slink through the night and watch
the coyotes hunting for rats
big fat black slick furred things
with long yellow teeth
fattened by over flowing dumpsters from upscale restaurants
the coyotes sleek and quick
a jump
a squeal
a gnashing of teeth
and its all over
 
the alleyways lit by glowing street lights
with fat moths flinging themselves upwards
in crazy loops
to that sulfured glow
the bats swooping in
near silent but the rush of air
past quickened flight
to crunch on those chubby bodies
and disappear back into the dark
the velvety rhythm of their wings
singing me home

from the edge of the bed
all lost in the solid dark
I stare at you through the inky film
as you gently breath in and out
at my side
lost in the folds of my sheets
your features barely audible in the dim light
uncomfortable when you realize I've stopped breathing
you flutter and roll
and pull me closer

yeah,
I watch you when you sleep
and sigh back into the knowledge
that your daylight is going to kill me
that my black little heart can't survive
in the heat of the bright rays
we are shrinking at the thought already
and clinging to the darkness
hiding under the covers
wishing the sunlight would fucking go away
just go away

I'm curled up all small now
deep under the quilts
this false darkness not quite right
listening to your morning skin
clicking the door shut
in search of the garish sun
outside of my beautiful black world
you say
'I've got to claim the day'
more like you've got to get out of here
because in daylight my skin is too white
my truth too glaringly bare
my willingness too easy to see

it's only in the night
that I am beautiful
and without the stars
I am hopelessly lost
howling down the streets
trying to find them
and you
again

Collections of Terrible Things

the best advice I ever got?
don't do drugs before a job interview

or maybe it was
brush your teeth after giving a blow job

or don't put bras in the dryer

I can't remember

what I do know is
all of this sucks
and my pussy gets wet
when I think of you

but I can't muster the forward momentum
to even bother getting out of bed
most mornings

and I sleep through beautiful
spring days
and wake up when the sun is setting
by the ocean
blinking it's big yellow eye at me
and my ennui

you punch yourself in the face
I swallow some pills
and a couple of drinks
and feel nothing

holy fuck
how do I feel this much
... nothing?

Nothing
not a thing
it's all just...

whatever

hey how about this?
how about we be terrible together?
we could be great in our awfulness
curl up in a little ball under the covers
and pretend the world wasn't out there
we could touch each other
be inside each other
taste each other
whisper little secrets to each other
lov... 
wait...
never-mind

even my masturbation is lazy
I drink beer in the shower
but neglect to wash my hair for days
it hangs about my face in lank strips
as I trip over the vacuum cleaner I left
in the middle of the floor

I had this inclination for a few minutes
that I would clean my life up
but instead the sucking reminded me
of the endless chasm of my life
and I collapsed exhausted on the couch
the floor only half cleaned

or maybe it reminded me of blow jobs

I can't remember which

...whatever

Christ Chuck, What Next?

all these beautiful broken boys
and not one of them named Christ

I would break fingers with hammers
if I thought it would do any good
but saints feel no pain

and hate you when you press against them

I should have sold my soul
in a buyer's market
but now it's dirty and useless
like an old condom

and pretty boys don't want it anyways

saints hate to get dirty
and I live in mud

who the fuck let
all those wispy eyelashed looks in here?
sleeping at my shoulder
caressing my breasts
and whispering in my ear
that they love me
but only under the right conditions

like heavy alcohol
and heavier drugs
maybe when they are deep inside you

possibly if I was drowning in the bath
or maybe falling from the sky
on fire
like a comet of whore-like intentions
and a great big fucking
ball of promises

that I was never going to keep

Charles Bukowski said,
"Find what you love and let it kill you."

but I don't think the crusty old fucker meant like this
achingly slowly
my brain on fire every night
my cunt throbbing
waiting

humped over like a toad
creeping in the night
to slip down some unsuspecting victim's throat
and squeeze the air out of their heart

fucking saints
and their saintly touch
and their saintly fucking ways
and their beautiful eyes
and flowing hair
and silken skin
and stupid fucking sympathies

fucking kill me and get it over with
love me to death
so I can get up
and get that glass of whiskey
I've been thirsting for like blood
I need a shower
and maybe a plasma transfusion
so I can linger with the ghost of your cock still inside me

and by the way
you can tell Christ
when you see him next
that I told him
he should come down here
to pound in his own goddamn nails

my hammer is broken
and I'm tired of crucifixion anyways

Honey-Eyed

it was a crippled candy cane promise at best
the idea blooming in my mind
seeping out the edges
over the side of the bed
into a syrupy puddle on the floor

your arms wrapped hard around me
daylight an unwanted dream
I thought my thoughts
pouring honey in my ears
attracting ants marching up the wall

two by two they come
two by two

my world is dripping
sugaring my thighs into a sticky froth
spreading like peanut butter
your fingers find the way home
and you lick your lips twice

give it long enough
and sap becomes amber
deep within the chambers of my hive heart
queen of bees decorated teeth
my candied dreams pressed up against your back

deep breaths come
two by two
by two by two

and I stop
breathing that is
the river in my dreams thick as molasses
dark, rising up under my eyes
tearing down my face like frosted nightmares

my voice rather sticky
I find your flaxen skin under my fingertips

and march them
two by two by two
up the side of you body
slide my hand over your ribs
rest upon the flats of your belly
sticky fingers
sticky ideas

I close my eyes
thick in love
and you slip out the end of the sheets
sick of candy
pressing ants under your thumb
swatting bees from your eyes

and two by two
by a whole horde of fucking twos
I slip back down under a river of molasses
this wicked thing to do
opening my mouth
full of the blackest sugar
and scream

Quick Skin

curl your fingers around those green eyes
you cannibal man
eat me

I am not home
even when you found me here
tossing bottles out the window
and telling you to be quiet
so as to leave the neighbors
undisturbed

they are disturbed enough already

our minds plush
flushed like my thigh resting upon you
too white
too smooth
too much of what you want
fleeing into the night

peering out from under a curtain of hair
lips soft as moths
beating against the glass
the thrum in time to the vibration
where the world started
and I ended

you make choices
I make consessions
we make decisions
and you hate yourself in the morning

full banged on with a head clouded with stars
my mouth still lingering of your taste
your scent following me like a ghost
until I wash it from my skin
and skitter down the drain
to follow drowned goldfish
through the rusty pipes to the sea

we saw the same moon
said the same name
thought the same thought
and you feared me for it

you pushed me for it
slipped your fingers inside me for it
tasted me for it
nibbled little pieces of me for it
and spat me back out

yet you still
save my velvet name
until the next time
you are drunk
and the black night tells you
I don't want to be alone