I Lost My Page

I feel pressed
flattened
like flowers between
the pages
of a heavy book
on your dusty shelf

you press me down
perserve me
your weight on top of me
smoothing me out
holding me here
as I try to float
out the door

you collapse on me
you feel me worming
squirming
pushing to that grey edge
pushing myself nearly over
twisted like leaves
caught in an updraft

you flatten my world
your eyes
pin me to these pages
to these sheets
my fluids on your fingers
I am drying up
my soul blows no more

I am pinned
our hair twisted
I buried my heart
beside my wounded knees
you watched on
and hated me

I won't stop loving you
even when you toss the book out
when you tear up the petals
when you spit my name out in a curse
I will love you
and flatten myself agianst the wall
to hide nameless evermore

Maybe the Beast is Me

such big lies
slipping out of such a small mouth
I might hate myself
but don't we all
last time I looked
I'm pretty sure I saw you
scarring your face
trying to obscure
your beauty
so the world would see
you as ugly as I am
my ugliness comes
from what they did to me
on those swings
in the gravel pit
by the teeter totters
over by the jungle gym
all the names
ground into my skin
like nut shells
and broken clay pots
I am buried
in an archeological dig
of my own making
my fractured stupid past
the dinosaur bones
of flapping dicks
and fear making me run
that dog near my side
they cut my hair
so long it brushed my ass
they ruined it
cut it all off
in a moment of easy cruelty
I bled tears
valued my ugliness
hid myself
cringed when anyone
reached out to touch me
I can't stop cringing
even now
she said
you deserve someone
who wants to be with you
I cried
bitter ugly tears
made ugliness my armour
twisted snarled lips
howling angry at the moon
cursing the father who led me here
the ruin that made
lampshades of my skin
that made me
crawl on the ground
licking rocks
and bashing my knees
on your stairs
maybe the beast is me
maybe I can't see
beyond these red scars
maybe you should slay me
drive your words right down into my chest
make me choke on your obscured eyes
claim that beast
fuck her all up
tear her tongue out
nail it to your wall
I can speak no lies
I can speak not
Your beauty has killed me
and I am buried in the remains
of my childhood

It's Okay, I Know the Beast

I want you dark and dirty
frowning
deep with concentration
as you burrow into my eyes

I can't remember the colour
but I remember
your muscles sliding under your skin
I remember the Apache mounting the hill

traveling up the length of me
I want you slipping
losing your grip on my thighs
falling down river sides
drowning in cunt juice

I saw the cold creeping into you eyes
I thought I was a poet
I thought I could capture this in stupid flowery language
I fed you my song
the song I forgot the words too
and could only hum the tune

you climb those mountains with her hands
mine trapped right here in this bed
I want you between bloody sheets
bloody land between my legs
I have no ground
no ground to plant your feet in

the stars have abandoned me
the ocean spat me back out
young girls lay flowers at your feet
I have only thorns
pretty fat thorns lining my vaginal walls

swaying breasts
filling your mouth
milk of numb gods
with dumb mumbling glazed over eyes
I stumble on the stairs outside your door
and leave pieces of my knees
for you to step on in the morning

I am not beautiful
though I often wish I could be
that lake was as green as my eyes
I wanted to take you there
watch the dragonflies mate in the sunset
show you where the moss met the stream
where that black tail disappeared forever
stepping softly between worn rocks
and rainbow trout

I am too ugly
to bring home to your mother
too monstrous to admit to
rail car teeth
scrapyard smile
backwoods gait
stupid clicking tongue
pale lips
and broken fingernails

Too crooked to care
Too frail to stand
Too stupid to love

you've got better things to do
and I've got a pile of blankets to hide beneath
come find me
when you have no prettier skirts
to slip your hands under

What's Wrong With You Now?

my fingers are aching
all in the joints
tell me what's wrong with me
it hurts all the time now

"it's all your head, silly girl"

flows of pain
down the body
I almost fall in the hall
when my muscles give out

just all in my head

maybe it will spill out my head
drown you in a wave
of what it's like to be me

prickly skin
for days now
weakness and tremors
prickly prickle prickle

I can't get out of this bed
it's in my head
if I could just make it stop
quivering on the edge of sickness

tick tick tick
make a decision
make something happen
do it now

I'm not always capable
but I try
I'm just not that good at it